Rules of the Road for Cyclists

Nonessential Preface: So the (awesome) new girl I'm dating lives in this house near the river. I like riding my Trek & Cervelo along the river when I'm taking shorter "round the city" rides...but this morning, on our way to breakfast there was a trillion cyclists out on the river road and I wanted to puke at some of the antics.

Bike riders, Here are your new rules.
You can thank stupid cyclists for this post.

All Bicyclists
1. Wear a helmet. I don't care if you're Lance Armstrong, or you're barely rolling along on your hybrid.
2. Pay attention! All the time! Know where cars are, where other cyclists are, and what on the road will crash you. THIS SHOULD BE INTUITIVE.
3. Don't draft a stranger.(exception-during a road race) This is acutely rude. We are not on a bike team, we are not racing, I don't know you or trust you, and we aren't buddies. Get off my f*cking wheel.
4. Shave your goddamn legs or at least trim once in a while. Chewbacca legs say 2 things: a) You are a slow newb or you don't know what you're doing, b) Guh- roasss!
5. Don't ride with your knees pointed outward. It makes me want to slap you. (and it's going to blow out your cartilage)
6. Don't blow stop signs/stoplights where there's actually traffic. If I was a cop, I would ticket you.
7. Don't you dare try racing on a bike path.

Recreational Cyclists
If your 'road bike' has flat(straight) handlebars or has a suspension fork, and you nearly sit upright on your bike, this applies to you.
8.Bike paths were made specifically for you. Avoid riding on streets whenever you can. If you had somewhere to be, you wouldn't be on a hybrid now, would you? Seriously....I run faster than some of you.
9. Do not ride abreast on the street. Especially if its busy. Don't be surprised if a car hits you.
10. Pay attention to other cyclists and their speed relative to yours. Just because your bike doesn't break 15mph, doesn't mean that I won't be passing your at 35mph.
11. Don't you dare entertain the idea that you can keep up with traffic. Sorry for your bike envy, but that hybrid purchase is your fault, not mine.
12. I'm amazed by some of your egos. Your hybrid bike with the disc brakes, slick 26x1.75" tires, suspension fork, kickstand, platform pedals, and all the other shit you have hanging off of it is the object of my laughter behind your back.
13. I'm a nice guy, but don't try to talk bikes with a racer unless you know what 185bpm feels like.

Fixie/Singlespeed Hipsters & Messengers
14. Wear a Helmet! I say this again because I see you fuckers without them all the time. I don't care if your long snarly haircut gets messy. It looks like you have a large rodent on your head anyways.
15. Do not buzz pedestrians. I'm going to stick my elbow out next time you do this, and your non-helmeted head is going to splat on the pavement. You will look like roadkill.
16. Your fixed gear elitism/geared bike scoffing is stupid and the irony entailed is making me laugh under my breath. Are you serious? Don't kid yourself--I know riding a fixed gear is tough, but racers can pump out the same watts on fixies too. (hint: lots of us winter train on fixed gear spin bikes)

Triathletes
17. Do NOT draft while in your aeros--anyone, anywhere, anytime.(exception--TTT) Try it out if you want to know what it feels like to cartwheel your bike while your feet are clipped in.
18. Aero helmets are for racing ONLY. Wearing one at any other time makes you look like *literally and figuratively* a total douchenozzle to anyone on the planet except for those OCD triathletes who post on the slowtwitch forums.(exception--practicing your transitions early in the morning)
19. Tri tops & tri shorts are for racing or brick sets --that's it. Wear sleeved jerseys when you aren't going to be breaking into a run immediately afterwards. Sleeveless bike jerseys look creepy, (exception--you're a hot chick) and you're gonna look like a burn victim wrapped in bacon if you wipe out.

Roadies.
20. Stay off the bike paths unless you're taking it really easy. 20mph+ and/or pacelines and recreational cyclists is a recipe for a wreck.
21. Racing cars is total masturbation. Motorists don't give a shit about you or your bike. You won't make them appreciate you--they're probably too dumb to understand.
22. Get a normal jersey, will ya? Those Pink floyd/Zeppelin/Art jerseys say "too poor to buy a corvette during my mid-life crisis" like nothing else.

Mountain bikers:
23. If you look like delinquent teenage criminal, expect the cops to treat you like one. Lose the ear lobe plugs and nasal septum piercings.
24. Smoking Cigarettes says one thing: "I suck at riding bikes." Expect to be scoffed at as we all pwn you on the singletrack.

Commuters
Really, you guys aren't too bad. I have no beefs unless you fit into another category.