Friday, December 9, 2005

A deep analytical dive into an incredibly unsavory minutia of Christmas.

I hate Christmas music. I can't be the only one here. What other music do you hear repeatedly in every public place 1/12th of the year? That is 27 entire months of my life -- 2.25 years in total I've heard this crap regurgitated through every MUZAK system in places of business, malls, elevators, restaurants, waiting rooms, government buildings, public squares, and car stereos of the bimbo soccermom's SUV next to me at the stoplight. I bet there's a crack house somewhere playing a silent night on repeat throughout december; with some junkie getting up from the corner periodically to flip the cassette inbetween fits of seizure.

I completely sympathize with anyone who works at a T-Mobile Kiosk in Southdale mall whose phychiatrist prescibes a daily cocktail of anti-depressants and horse tranquilizers to keep them sedated sufficiently from real life to prevent them from walking to work one day with a sawed-off 10 gauge shotgun. Thank the decade we're living in that I have a computer with a CD player & headphones at work.

Is it possible to be ANYWHERE in public on a December day and NOT hear "Jingle Bell Rock" 87 fucking times a day?

Jingle bell rock is an odd case for christmas music. It's probably the only song to break into mainstream MUZAK in the last 30 years. You hear all the others: O Come all ye faithful, silent night, the first noel, et al. Almost always in various incarnations like jazz or annoying elevator music synthesized instrumentals(remnants from the soulless 80's), sometimes its from "BARRY MANILOW SINGS CHRISTMAS" or some equally relevant pop star of yesteryear who can barely finance their coke & whore habit from their nightly Vegas appearances, but it's always the same select group of songs.

You never hear modern pop/rock/whatever adding to this queue. Why is this? How did some no-name, CLEARLY-not-rock band slide "Jingle Bell Rock" into the Chistmas playlist? It probably has alot to do with aging hipster babyboomers trying to metaphorically unbutton their collar to blend in with the young crowd without stepping outside the circle of their conservative idealogy. It's so sad to see old lamers trying to be hip--weren't you ever cool when you were a kid; even for 5 minutes? Nothing will save you now. Sorry. Playing "jingle bell rock" won't make the office fun, hip, or edgy.

Am I trying to be a Grinch? No. Am I launching an assault upon the infant messiah? No. I would take a much different stand if I was aguing with the frivouality(I know that's not spelled right) of cognizantly continuing the practice a ridiculous tradition.

I just cant stand to hear these songs so many goddamn times. Hey -- Do you know why people hate Hanson's MMM Bop, and that ludicrous Cotton Eye Joe song? Because they were played way more times that their novelty allowed. I could've probably stood to like MMM Bop for a few plays, but you know what?!?!?....the first time I heard it, my girlfriend at the time said, "OhhhhhHHH, not this frikkin' song again" If someone wrote songs about you; would you want them overplayed like a week-old-boyband song on every "TODAY's LATEST HITS" bubblegum radiostation? Of course you wouldn't. I would want it played sparingly enough that entire crowds of people stop in the middle of thoughts and conversation to when Jimmy Page breaks into the Stairway to Heaven solo. Now THAT song was made for a newborn king.

And I can tell everyone who cares to think now & then is bothered by it. Anyone whose mother drags them to a lutheran church before dinner on Christmas Day for the candlelight service knows my point before I make it. 500 people dressed in argyle sweaters mumbling mindlessly to the droning organ. .....With the exception of 4 people in the entire congregation, up 40 decibels above everyone else singing with perfect enunciation and resonance like they're starring in the opening night of a broadway show.

And it's these people who are responsible for playing this music constantly throughout December. That's the gal who always reacts with 4 times more emotion than required. This veneer of zest, sass, and crystal-meth-like hyperactivity is the archetypical defense mechanism of a plainjane-midwestern-overweight-single-in-her-mid-thirties women with a cat, a porcelain figurine, and a doll on her bed for each of her IQ points. You feel sad for them, so you smile, swear under your breath, and let them play Jingle Bell Rock.

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