Sunday, November 26, 2006

Eat Dog Excrement , you Sphincter

Jennie's post struck a nerve in me, but not in the pro-life crap I see on the no man's land of I-94 . There is one particular billboard that bugs the piss out of me more than any other.

This is the one with the guy holding on to his chin while asking, "What if I swore less?"

What kind of people would spend money on shit like this?? Do you think if I stop saying "SHIT!" the concept of feces will disappear from this planet?

Or perhaps if I don't yell "FUCK!" when I'm pissed off or frustrated, your 8 year old won't know about intercourse until you're good & ready to tell them? (that is, the day before you send him/her off to college)

You're living in a dream world and are trying to hide from reality, where people express themselves. And, are trying to instigate some really sick anti-utopia where nobody exhibits emotion. That creepily reminds me 1984. You might want to try re-reading that.

And another thing. What if, instead of yelling "FUCK!", I yell "COITUS!" or" PENETRATION!"??? Would THAT make you happy? I doubt it. (That is, if you're literate enough to know what coitus means) They're perfect synonyms--there's nothing inherently bad about letters arranged to make sounds. Even when I yell "JESUS CHRIST!", "OH GOD!" and in the rare case "HOLY MOTHER MARY!" you treat that as an explicative too.

What then, is an explicative?

According to Merriam-Webster:

Pronunciation: ek-'spli-k&-tiv, 'ek-spl&-"kAt-
Function: adjective
: serving to explicate; specifically : serving to explain logically what is contained in the subject

Put simply--- it's all about the thought & the concept -- they simply don't want me expressing my emotion. Their message is to stay quiet, bow your head, don't disturb the peace, and be obedient.

FOR UNDER CARNAL KNOWLEDGE YOU!!!!!!! Your citizenship should be revoked for trying to suppress the freedom of speech. Try thinking for just a second, will you?

Saturday, November 18, 2006

New Ride

Yeah right; Like I'd buy a new car.

Today I took my new(slightly used craigslist purchased) Gary Fisher Sugar 293 out for it's second ride at Lebanon Hills in Eagan. I have lots to learn, but I'm definately improving. I did two loops, which take me approximately 35 minutes each. On the second loop, albeit more fatigued, I made it through several technical sections (i.e. rock gardens) that I crashed on the first loop.

Don't worry about me crashing. On a road bike, crashing is a big concern, but on a mountain bike, you're not moving as fast (at least me, anyways) so you don't impact as hard--even if you happen to be colliding with trees and granite. Much like the reason rugby players don't wear pad, but football players do. You just get up, dust yourself off, and get going.
Just like skiing--if you're not falling, you're not trying hard enough.

It was interesting to see more experienced bikers on the course. As a beginner mtb'er, I can't fly through the tricky stuff like they do and they gain ground on me. But as an offseason triathlete, when we get to hills, I leave the garden variety mtb'er in the dust.

Zombie Apocalypse

So, after watching Shaun of the Dead and 28 days later, I 've been pondering how well I would fare should a Zombie Epidemic hit North America or the world.

I think I would do quite well in such an apocalyptic situation and here's a few bulletpoints supporting that claim.

-For one, I live on the third floor of a damn secure building. First thing--my door swings out. Zombies could push all day and it wouldn't open. On top of that, it would be easy to barricade the door, all I would have to do is fit the couch in the hallway. It took me at least 3 hours to get the damn thing through the door, and I doubt zombies can do complex geometry problems, even if they break the door. And, I can conveniently jump out the window onto the poolhouse, and get to my car, if I needed to get out.

-I have many household chemicals that could also double as molotov cocktails. I loathe cleaning, but I did minor in Chemistry.

-My car is very reliable(for the most part), has plenty of horsepower, is fairly fuel efficient, and is beefy enough to plow through crowds of zombies blocking the road. I'm pretty sure I would have no difficulties making it to an abandoned(yet not looted) gas station in rural North Dakota. And just for Pedro--with a little welding, I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could be mounted directly onto my hood.

-Should my car break down or run out of gas, my road bicycle(and I) has been able to reach speeds up to 33.9mph on flat ground, and well over 45 downhill. That should keep me out of harm's way as long as the zombies don't discover a meth lab.

-I own a knife big enough to give Crocadile Dundee a hardon. "Neh aet's uh nahf!"

-I have all kinds of things I could kill a zombie with. Not all weapons, per se, but I have the gift of improvisation. I could bash a zombie dead with my bike pump or something. I'm sure everyone would stop in comic relief to laugh at the sound my acoustic guitar would make when I windmill-smash it Rhett Miller-style over the head of the undead. Jennie would probably whip out her camera and take a video and Erin would totally freak out. Also, growing up on the farm has given me lots of hands-on experience with hammers, nailguns, chainsaws, bullwhips(castlevania!), Shit, I think we even had an old scythe laying around somewhere. And I don't think a branding iron or a cow prod has ever been used in a zombie movie before, but I bet that if we took a poll, 9 out of 10 survivors would agree that using branding irons & cow prods on zombies would all encompassingly rock.

-My physics professor taught me how to easily make a railgun.

-I've watched every episode of MacGyver. That has to count for something.

-I can run for 8+ miles without stopping. If you're getting short of breath just thinking about that, imagine how Joe Zombie might feel. Hey, he wants brains, but I'm going to imagine the low-lying fruit will be his first priority. And really; I don't need to run 8 miles anyway. I only need to run farther than you. If I get chased, I'm going to lead my pursuers to easier a White Castle, a Taco Bell, Mystic Lake(casinos are bastions for the fattest people on the planet), or a LAN party.

-Do zombies swim? Yeah, I didn't think so either--which can put me in great advantage in the land of 10,000 lakes. (had to work all 3 constituents of triathlon in there)

-I could live for months on a diet of water and CLIF bars. In fact, I kindof already do.

-I've been a great marksman since age 14. This would make me a great asset to the military, who will undoubtedly be running the show when all hell breaks loose from their comfy missle silos/bunkers in northwestern North Dakota.

Zombie Master.

You scored 77% survivability and 62% kickass-ability!

You were born for z-day. Not only will you be killing zombies left and right, but you will be leading the other survivors. You will be the one making decisions and the person who is looked to for advice. Congratulations.

This test tracked 2 variables. How the score compared to the other people's:
Higher than 76% on survivability
Higher than 61% on kickass-ability

Link: The Non-lame Zombie Survival Test

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

You're doing a heckuva job, Rummy.

And Bushy starts by putting his lips square on the ass of the new liberal congress.........

"The timing is right for new leadership at the Pentagon"

"I share a large part of the responsibility for the outcome of the election"

"We can work together over the next two years"

"The message yesterday was clear: The American people want their leaders in Washington to.....conduct ourselves in an ethical manner"

This will really piss off the tough guy conservatives who were so happy with how tough he was. Especially those guys who always say "You know, if Al Gore was president right now, he would've pussed out to those terrorists, but not President Bush." Fuck You. You seem to forget that your texas cowboy president was a fucking cheerleader at a new england prep school. You're going to be begging Nancy Pelosi to impeach him.

We've got his ass in a vice, and he knows it. And only 1 day has passed. He's president until January 20, 2009. If he lasts that long, Bush will become synonymous with pussy. Oh, wait.......

And a few more things. If Bush thinks he can go back to his usual shenanigans, 3 things will happen.

1) His hair will probably go greyer (if that's possible) and fall out.
2) His wrinkles will get deeper
3) His thumb will get very sore from pushing the veto button.