Saturday, November 18, 2006

Zombie Apocalypse

So, after watching Shaun of the Dead and 28 days later, I 've been pondering how well I would fare should a Zombie Epidemic hit North America or the world.

I think I would do quite well in such an apocalyptic situation and here's a few bulletpoints supporting that claim.

-For one, I live on the third floor of a damn secure building. First thing--my door swings out. Zombies could push all day and it wouldn't open. On top of that, it would be easy to barricade the door, all I would have to do is fit the couch in the hallway. It took me at least 3 hours to get the damn thing through the door, and I doubt zombies can do complex geometry problems, even if they break the door. And, I can conveniently jump out the window onto the poolhouse, and get to my car, if I needed to get out.

-I have many household chemicals that could also double as molotov cocktails. I loathe cleaning, but I did minor in Chemistry.

-My car is very reliable(for the most part), has plenty of horsepower, is fairly fuel efficient, and is beefy enough to plow through crowds of zombies blocking the road. I'm pretty sure I would have no difficulties making it to an abandoned(yet not looted) gas station in rural North Dakota. And just for Pedro--with a little welding, I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could be mounted directly onto my hood.

-Should my car break down or run out of gas, my road bicycle(and I) has been able to reach speeds up to 33.9mph on flat ground, and well over 45 downhill. That should keep me out of harm's way as long as the zombies don't discover a meth lab.

-I own a knife big enough to give Crocadile Dundee a hardon. "Neh aet's uh nahf!"

-I have all kinds of things I could kill a zombie with. Not all weapons, per se, but I have the gift of improvisation. I could bash a zombie dead with my bike pump or something. I'm sure everyone would stop in comic relief to laugh at the sound my acoustic guitar would make when I windmill-smash it Rhett Miller-style over the head of the undead. Jennie would probably whip out her camera and take a video and Erin would totally freak out. Also, growing up on the farm has given me lots of hands-on experience with hammers, nailguns, chainsaws, bullwhips(castlevania!), Shit, I think we even had an old scythe laying around somewhere. And I don't think a branding iron or a cow prod has ever been used in a zombie movie before, but I bet that if we took a poll, 9 out of 10 survivors would agree that using branding irons & cow prods on zombies would all encompassingly rock.

-My physics professor taught me how to easily make a railgun.

-I've watched every episode of MacGyver. That has to count for something.

-I can run for 8+ miles without stopping. If you're getting short of breath just thinking about that, imagine how Joe Zombie might feel. Hey, he wants brains, but I'm going to imagine the low-lying fruit will be his first priority. And really; I don't need to run 8 miles anyway. I only need to run farther than you. If I get chased, I'm going to lead my pursuers to easier a White Castle, a Taco Bell, Mystic Lake(casinos are bastions for the fattest people on the planet), or a LAN party.

-Do zombies swim? Yeah, I didn't think so either--which can put me in great advantage in the land of 10,000 lakes. (had to work all 3 constituents of triathlon in there)

-I could live for months on a diet of water and CLIF bars. In fact, I kindof already do.

-I've been a great marksman since age 14. This would make me a great asset to the military, who will undoubtedly be running the show when all hell breaks loose from their comfy missle silos/bunkers in northwestern North Dakota.

Zombie Master.

You scored 77% survivability and 62% kickass-ability!

You were born for z-day. Not only will you be killing zombies left and right, but you will be leading the other survivors. You will be the one making decisions and the person who is looked to for advice. Congratulations.

This test tracked 2 variables. How the score compared to the other people's:
Higher than 76% on survivability
Higher than 61% on kickass-ability

Link: The Non-lame Zombie Survival Test

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