I just had an awesome date where I sang a karaoke duet to "the humpty dance" at the Country bar.
Thank you, Internet.
On to my point. I'd just like to say a few things to women posting profiles on online dating services.
1) All women are looking for "a partner in crime"
Do me a favor and stop saying that shit. Puh-leeease. It's as stupid as it is cliché. Think back to high school/college, and your favorite "partner in crime." He was gay, wasn't he? I thought so.
2) All women want a funny guy.
You love to laugh? NO. FUCKING. WAY.
News Flash
a) There is not a person on this planet who does not like laughing. Even Dick Cheney.
b)All guys who are actually funny are huge dickless incompetents or slovenly creepasaurs.
Deep down, you actually want a guy with money, so go ahead tell the truth. Or, say that you want to date an asshole. I just know you want to date a guy that treats you like a piece of crap 99% of the time.....go ahead. Hey--It's O K . Just Be honest. That's the best policy.
3) I already know that sometimes you want to go out and get dressed up, and sometimes you want to stay in and watch TV.
Uh, me too. I'm also a fucking triathlete that climbs mountains in his spare time. That statement doesn't mean anything more than "I'm a normal American person." Be sure to mention if you're a slasher, or "I'll do anything for coke"....now that's something worth mentioning.
4) I already know that you're down-to earth.
Really, Gravity works on you too??? Holy shit! We have tons in common!
5) I already know that you're laid back.
Being laid back is tantamount to not being a crystal meth addict. Thanks for the clarification.
Showing posts with label Internet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Internet. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
internet stalkers
So J-Mo just celebrated her 9000th profile view. Can you say stalkers?
But then I just remembered, my Flickr account is registering in at ~8340 views, and I'm now recalling that an acquaintence of mine actually knew a female Flickr "admirer" of mine who was inquiring about my status. (at the time time I was taken) I pih-shawed all of this, but I have to admit --I was secretly thinking about a slender & lithe half naked woman serving at my beck & call.
But then I met (a different) one of my stalkers recently, and it was Über-weird.
Here's an exerpt from an email I got the other day from "married-mother-of-three":
It was so awesome visiting with you. I told you I was going
to email you. You were so nice to visit with and I mean it, your
photography is amazing. I came home and looked at it again. It is beyond
breath taking. Words don't even describe it. How did you figure out that
you were so good at that? You look great too. It's too bad you don't live
around here.....I would love to keep in touch with you. Maybe when we come down to the cities sometime, we can get together.
Keep in touch, okay,"
CREEPY.
Although she was in pretty good shape, I was totally turned off by this.
My Myspace profile: ~3800 views. And it's been a private account for nearly a year.
But then I just remembered, my Flickr account is registering in at ~8340 views, and I'm now recalling that an acquaintence of mine actually knew a female Flickr "admirer" of mine who was inquiring about my status. (at the time time I was taken) I pih-shawed all of this, but I have to admit --I was secretly thinking about a slender & lithe half naked woman serving at my beck & call.
But then I met (a different) one of my stalkers recently, and it was Über-weird.
Here's an exerpt from an email I got the other day from "married-mother-of-three":
It was so awesome visiting with you. I told you I was going
to email you. You were so nice to visit with and I mean it, your
photography is amazing. I came home and looked at it again. It is beyond
breath taking. Words don't even describe it. How did you figure out that
you were so good at that? You look great too. It's too bad you don't live
around here.....I would love to keep in touch with you. Maybe when we come down to the cities sometime, we can get together.
Keep in touch, okay,"
CREEPY.
Although she was in pretty good shape, I was totally turned off by this.
My Myspace profile: ~3800 views. And it's been a private account for nearly a year.
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
A few things
I'm beginning to think the true reason behind cologne samples in men's magazines is to cover up other....scents in the bathroom.
Blueberries are superfoods. Just as I anticipated.*rubbing my hands together* I'm not going to cite my source. Ok, ok. Her name was Dara.
I probably dream more during waking hours than I do when I'm asleep. Don't mention this to my boss.
Obese people should not be allowed to wear the "livestrong" bracelets. Pardon me for being abrasive, you aren't living strong. You are living weak on a couch succumbing to cheese doodles. Lance lives on a bicycle going uphill, and succumbs only to Sheryl Crow. Boing.
More abrasion. Remember the story about the man who built his house on the ocean, and the other man who built his house on the rock? And then the part where the man on the ocean's house got washed away by the ocean, and the man on the rock was ok?
It wasn't part of the story, but I think it was a given what happens to the guy who builds his house on the coast below sea level. The moral of the story is don't do that!!!!! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? The least you could do is make sure his Army Corps of Engineers is well funded. Which it was not.
Blueberries are superfoods. Just as I anticipated.*rubbing my hands together* I'm not going to cite my source. Ok, ok. Her name was Dara.
I probably dream more during waking hours than I do when I'm asleep. Don't mention this to my boss.
Obese people should not be allowed to wear the "livestrong" bracelets. Pardon me for being abrasive, you aren't living strong. You are living weak on a couch succumbing to cheese doodles. Lance lives on a bicycle going uphill, and succumbs only to Sheryl Crow. Boing.
More abrasion. Remember the story about the man who built his house on the ocean, and the other man who built his house on the rock? And then the part where the man on the ocean's house got washed away by the ocean, and the man on the rock was ok?
It wasn't part of the story, but I think it was a given what happens to the guy who builds his house on the coast below sea level. The moral of the story is don't do that!!!!! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? The least you could do is make sure his Army Corps of Engineers is well funded. Which it was not.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Andrew is......
Directions: Type "(your name) is" with the quotes, into a Google search then pick out your favorite 10 responses. Copy, then repost your responses:
1. Andrew is a loony · He hasn't slept in something like 48 hours now. He's a loony.
2. Andrew is one of the most coolest skateboarders in the world, He rocks.
3. now that mr.pants is gone, andrew is the funniest fucker alive. The ultimate
representation of beauty.
4.Andrew is considered to be the living Buddha and is treated that way by his constituents. I saw them collect $1000 for a vase to put flowers in for him. He owns a Volvo Turbo R sports car and other high priced things. He's an effete snob. He is waited on hand and foot like royalty by his students. He is fed like a king and they give him every wish. It's disgusting to watch.
5. Andrew is also serious about inventing and says he is continuously inspired, and at times, he claims to have seen his ideas materialise some years later. One such idea was a new design for an ice cube tray that allows you to release one cube at a time; which he says is now manufactured by a large company. His ideas are often laced with humour, for example, the "single-handed page turner for reading Playboy!"
6. Andrew is basically a perfect creature - he's an angel
7. Andrew is a would-be actor (he played a retarded quarterback on a made-for-cable movie)
8. Andrew is the musical equivalent of cotton candy: it's great to eat once in a while and tastes sugary-sweet going down, but you shouldn't eat too much of it, since it's all mostly fluff.
9. Andrew is quickly seduced by the power of evil...Andrew is introduced to us as a morally ambiguous ‘evil genius’
10. Andrew is all riled up, I suppose he's going to take his balls and go home.
I'm pretty sure ..3 is my favorite. It scores a 10 on the "what the fuck?" scale.
1. Andrew is a loony · He hasn't slept in something like 48 hours now. He's a loony.
2. Andrew is one of the most coolest skateboarders in the world, He rocks.
3. now that mr.pants is gone, andrew is the funniest fucker alive. The ultimate
representation of beauty.
4.Andrew is considered to be the living Buddha and is treated that way by his constituents. I saw them collect $1000 for a vase to put flowers in for him. He owns a Volvo Turbo R sports car and other high priced things. He's an effete snob. He is waited on hand and foot like royalty by his students. He is fed like a king and they give him every wish. It's disgusting to watch.
5. Andrew is also serious about inventing and says he is continuously inspired, and at times, he claims to have seen his ideas materialise some years later. One such idea was a new design for an ice cube tray that allows you to release one cube at a time; which he says is now manufactured by a large company. His ideas are often laced with humour, for example, the "single-handed page turner for reading Playboy!"
6. Andrew is basically a perfect creature - he's an angel
7. Andrew is a would-be actor (he played a retarded quarterback on a made-for-cable movie)
8. Andrew is the musical equivalent of cotton candy: it's great to eat once in a while and tastes sugary-sweet going down, but you shouldn't eat too much of it, since it's all mostly fluff.
9. Andrew is quickly seduced by the power of evil...Andrew is introduced to us as a morally ambiguous ‘evil genius’
10. Andrew is all riled up, I suppose he's going to take his balls and go home.
I'm pretty sure ..3 is my favorite. It scores a 10 on the "what the fuck?" scale.
Friday, August 5, 2005
Eye Candy
I'm a very spacial thinker, which explains my infatuation with maps. Now, I'm sure that most of this obsession is rooted in the fact that I'm very poorly travelled. I have lived 13/50ths of a century, but have never crossed an ocean. Sad. So I compensate by exploring the world via paper drawings and daydreaming.
Road maps, Political/geographical maps, neighborhood maps, and even cardiovascular system diagrams; my world atlas is to my eyes what....well, boobs & hiked up skirts are to my eyes.
But now.....now, the ne plus ultra of all maps has arisen from the megalomaniacs at Google.com! MAPS.google.com. Realtime panning & zooming are only a mouseclick away! But this is no ordinary online roadmap like mapquest, et al. Not only can I get conveniently get directions from this pot of gold, but I can just as easily see a satellite photo! I can actually see where I want to go--but not necessarily across town. For the most part, the entire US & UK, and Japan have detailed satellite photos in addition to the roadmaps. And most of the world has satellite photos visible. I can see it all....on friday, I went to washington square park, Tokyo(ckeck out the road map), my parent's house, Sydney, South Beach, downtown Minny, Oslo, Venice, and my apartment, all from the comfort of my cubicle.
But wait! There's more. When I'm finished looking at every last obscure city, landmark, mountain range & nude beach on earth, I can now start all over on the moon! That's right. MOON.google.com
Road maps, Political/geographical maps, neighborhood maps, and even cardiovascular system diagrams; my world atlas is to my eyes what....well, boobs & hiked up skirts are to my eyes.
But now.....now, the ne plus ultra of all maps has arisen from the megalomaniacs at Google.com! MAPS.google.com. Realtime panning & zooming are only a mouseclick away! But this is no ordinary online roadmap like mapquest, et al. Not only can I get conveniently get directions from this pot of gold, but I can just as easily see a satellite photo! I can actually see where I want to go--but not necessarily across town. For the most part, the entire US & UK, and Japan have detailed satellite photos in addition to the roadmaps. And most of the world has satellite photos visible. I can see it all....on friday, I went to washington square park, Tokyo(ckeck out the road map), my parent's house, Sydney, South Beach, downtown Minny, Oslo, Venice, and my apartment, all from the comfort of my cubicle.
But wait! There's more. When I'm finished looking at every last obscure city, landmark, mountain range & nude beach on earth, I can now start all over on the moon! That's right. MOON.google.com
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