Apparently, the FBI has gone batty.

FYI--The FBI just tried recruiting a UofM college student for spying on "vegan potlucks" during the upcoming RNC convention. Apparently, they can't have any non-meat eaters lurking around while they're engaging in the next wave of sex scandals.

Read about it here:

"Then we sat down and she flashes an FBI badge. Seeing my nerves they reassured me again that I was safe and not guilty of anything. Then for twenty minutes they flatter me about how my personality and appearance are perfect matches for what is required in some espionage dealio. They wanted me to crash vegan potluck parties and get into the inner circle of terrorists because supposedly terrorists are trusting and I’m “trusting, easy going, funny,” and a bunch of other flattery. Every time they said “vegan potluck” I chuckled, but their faces showed they weren’t kidding. They said “vegan potluck” half a dozen times. They really feared vegans and their violent conspiracies to blow up buildings in protest to the republican national convention."

Uh, FBI? Either you're taking orders from Elmer Fudd, or you're fucking incompetent. The terrorists you are supposed to be protecting us from are not pseudo-hippy trendy urbanites who've sworn off meat. Nor are they teenage misfits with spray paint.

They're gun nuts
They're religious fundamentalists
They're violent
They don't drink alcohol
They will die for their beliefs
They're probably Saudi Arabian
and they want hippy-dippy Americans like me dead.

You know, like the maniacs our president holds hands with.



Could you do your job correctly please? As far as I'm concerned, you haven't wiped the egg from your face for not listening to Coleen Rowley. Hasn't your public image been tarnished far enough? If you're looking for some inspiration, give Bob Dylan a listen. Particularly where he sings, "you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind is blowing."

Hey!!!! I've got a hot tip for you! Rush Limbaugh is trying to incite riots in Denver. You might want to check into that. Hey! Maybe I can help you. I'm a white guy--I'm trusting, easy going, and funny. (And I'm damn good looking too.) You can make me look rich, and I can infiltrate the exclusive clubs where the ultra-rich power brokers who fund Limbaugh and other fundamentalist wackjobs strategize the best way to devolve our country into a fundamentalist split economy robber barren-slave state. I'll let you know how they're doing it all. Hey--I might even come across a big oxycontin ring for you to blow open too.

Or, you could just open your ears & your eyes.

Samsonite!? I was way off!!

So my Super Tuesday predictions weren't quite on. Here are some revelations:

1) Hillary took California 52%-42%, much to my surprise. One thing I forgot to consider was that many Californians had mailed in their votes weeks ahead--including many people who voted for John Edwards--4% worth. I can't think of anyone who would walk from the Edwards camp to the Hillary camp with the option of Obama.

2) Barack is trailing, but not by much. He took Minnesota, North Dakota, and....my precinct. He beat Hillary 204-57. As of this moment, Hillary leads 823-741 delegates--- marginally thin when you think about it.

3) John McCain pulled ahead!!!!! WTF?!?!?! This is crazy!!! Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, James Dobson, Bill Oh'Really?, (m)Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck -- the cornerstone of the Republican base -- has been deriding McCain all week, and he pulls ahead. Seriously, the core is trying HARD. This leads me to believe that Republicans ***drumroll*** are paying less and less attention to them. I'm not a religious man, but the idea of Rush & Bill Oh'Really? getting layed off and having to resort to living on welfare makes me feel happy.

4) America's knuckle dragging YECs stood with their man, Huckabee. (who looks like Kevin Spacey with a meth problem, no?) I made a fatal mistake here. I underestimated the power of....Chuck Norris. (Chuckabee?) Or God. Oh, wait. Huckabee is a far 3rd place. NEWS FLASH! God is trying to tell you something, Mike. Don't get it? Look down. There's a fork sticking out of you.

sidebar: Shit. Someone's already beat me to my next logical blog....Mike Huckabee & Chuck Norris Facts.

Fact: Chuck Norris is so corny that ethanol producers believe him to be a vast, untapped source of alternative energy.

5) A dickless shell of a man wrapped in a BOSS suit, Mitt Romney took $35,000,000 from his bank account, and set it on fire. When I see that guy, I think two things:

a) Giant Douche
b) "A fool and his money will soon be parted"

6) Perhaps I'm taking the horse before the cart, but the numbers of people caucusing are staggering--particularly in the bible belt. Georgia, Arkansas, and Missouri all went to George Bush in 2004. On Tuesday, the numbers voting for Barack and Hillary handily outnumbered those voting for the GOP's top 3 in these states. I suspect Ron Paul's voters will split about 50-50 to the democratic & republican candidates in November. Even Colorado -- with it's mega churches -- went handily blue. I suspect this is courtesy of continued reverberation from Ted Haggard, who just got ejaculated ejected from "restoration therapy."