Hey Republicans! Here's a taste of the liberal agenda about to unfold!
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We will rename America to "Anti-America"...or whatever that is in French.
The official religion of the country will become Islamic Atheism.
Denis Kucinich, Al Sharpton, and Noam Chomsky will be confirmed into the US Supreme court.
All women will be required to both use contraceptives and have abortions.
Official language? Any of the 55+ Native American languages.
The Bullet Free America Act will have your firearms easily removed from your law abiding hands by the US Army & Marines. Whom you support, of course.
The fence along the Mexican border will be torn down, extra footbridges built over the Rio Grande, and water stops placed in the desert. In addition, we're going to build a bridge from Florida to Morocco.
The new White House press secretary? Keith Olbermann.
Cigarettes? Illegal. Marajuana? Mandatory.
Everyone will be required to have at least 2 gay relationships. And dogs don't count, just in case you're wondering, Mr. Santorum. Sorry.
The stars on old glory will be replaced with silhouettes of the world's top 50 endangered species.
Christmas will now be now called RamaKwanzannakah.
Secretary of Defense? Henry Rollins
Henry Rollins' house keeper? Ann 'STFU' Coulter.
Orders at fast food restaurants must be placed in Spanish.
In a worldwide peace initiative, Stealth Bombers will be retrofitted with new equipment, and will be now referred to as "High altitude flower droppers."
Blackwater battalions returning from Iraq? Reassigned to protect Polar Bears from Sarah Palin's black helicopter.
A new series of Anti-crystal meth awareness billboards will be rolled out with photos of Michelle Bachman.
Secretary of the Environment? Ralph Nader
Federal allocated dollars to faith-based initiatives will be redistributed, with equal shares going to the church of Scientology and Eckankar.
The Turbo-Affirmative action act of 2009 will require all white people get a really awesome tan. In fact, your prescence is requested in the cotton fields at 7AM.
Toyota Prius's will be outfitted with mechanisms to automatically key your hummer/expedition/suburban.
A Michelle Bachman style expose? Quality Journalists, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, will be "assigned" to Guantanamo Bay to do some "first hand" reporting.
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Don't worry though. If you don't like it, you can always go live somewhere else.
Showing posts with label Ann Coulter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ann Coulter. Show all posts
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Samsonite!? I was way off!!
So my Super Tuesday predictions weren't quite on. Here are some revelations:
1) Hillary took California 52%-42%, much to my surprise. One thing I forgot to consider was that many Californians had mailed in their votes weeks ahead--including many people who voted for John Edwards--4% worth. I can't think of anyone who would walk from the Edwards camp to the Hillary camp with the option of Obama.
2) Barack is trailing, but not by much. He took Minnesota, North Dakota, and....my precinct. He beat Hillary 204-57. As of this moment, Hillary leads 823-741 delegates--- marginally thin when you think about it.
3) John McCain pulled ahead!!!!! WTF?!?!?! This is crazy!!! Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, James Dobson, Bill Oh'Really?, (m)Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck -- the cornerstone of the Republican base -- has been deriding McCain all week, and he pulls ahead. Seriously, the core is trying HARD. This leads me to believe that Republicans ***drumroll*** are paying less and less attention to them. I'm not a religious man, but the idea of Rush & Bill Oh'Really? getting layed off and having to resort to living on welfare makes me feel happy.
4) America's knuckle dragging YECs stood with their man, Huckabee. (who looks like Kevin Spacey with a meth problem, no?) I made a fatal mistake here. I underestimated the power of....Chuck Norris. (Chuckabee?) Or God. Oh, wait. Huckabee is a far 3rd place. NEWS FLASH! God is trying to tell you something, Mike. Don't get it? Look down. There's a fork sticking out of you.
sidebar: Shit. Someone's already beat me to my next logical blog....Mike Huckabee & Chuck Norris Facts.
Fact: Chuck Norris is so corny that ethanol producers believe him to be a vast, untapped source of alternative energy.
5) A dickless shell of a man wrapped in a BOSS suit, Mitt Romney took $35,000,000 from his bank account, and set it on fire. When I see that guy, I think two things:
a) Giant Douche
b) "A fool and his money will soon be parted"
6) Perhaps I'm taking the horse before the cart, but the numbers of people caucusing are staggering--particularly in the bible belt. Georgia, Arkansas, and Missouri all went to George Bush in 2004. On Tuesday, the numbers voting for Barack and Hillary handily outnumbered those voting for the GOP's top 3 in these states. I suspect Ron Paul's voters will split about 50-50 to the democratic & republican candidates in November. Even Colorado -- with it's mega churches -- went handily blue. I suspect this is courtesy of continued reverberation from Ted Haggard, who just gotejaculated ejected from "restoration therapy."
1) Hillary took California 52%-42%, much to my surprise. One thing I forgot to consider was that many Californians had mailed in their votes weeks ahead--including many people who voted for John Edwards--4% worth. I can't think of anyone who would walk from the Edwards camp to the Hillary camp with the option of Obama.
2) Barack is trailing, but not by much. He took Minnesota, North Dakota, and....my precinct. He beat Hillary 204-57. As of this moment, Hillary leads 823-741 delegates--- marginally thin when you think about it.
3) John McCain pulled ahead!!!!! WTF?!?!?! This is crazy!!! Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, James Dobson, Bill Oh'Really?, (m)Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck -- the cornerstone of the Republican base -- has been deriding McCain all week, and he pulls ahead. Seriously, the core is trying HARD. This leads me to believe that Republicans ***drumroll*** are paying less and less attention to them. I'm not a religious man, but the idea of Rush & Bill Oh'Really? getting layed off and having to resort to living on welfare makes me feel happy.
4) America's knuckle dragging YECs stood with their man, Huckabee. (who looks like Kevin Spacey with a meth problem, no?) I made a fatal mistake here. I underestimated the power of....Chuck Norris. (Chuckabee?) Or God. Oh, wait. Huckabee is a far 3rd place. NEWS FLASH! God is trying to tell you something, Mike. Don't get it? Look down. There's a fork sticking out of you.
sidebar: Shit. Someone's already beat me to my next logical blog....Mike Huckabee & Chuck Norris Facts.
Fact: Chuck Norris is so corny that ethanol producers believe him to be a vast, untapped source of alternative energy.
5) A dickless shell of a man wrapped in a BOSS suit, Mitt Romney took $35,000,000 from his bank account, and set it on fire. When I see that guy, I think two things:
a) Giant Douche
b) "A fool and his money will soon be parted"
6) Perhaps I'm taking the horse before the cart, but the numbers of people caucusing are staggering--particularly in the bible belt. Georgia, Arkansas, and Missouri all went to George Bush in 2004. On Tuesday, the numbers voting for Barack and Hillary handily outnumbered those voting for the GOP's top 3 in these states. I suspect Ron Paul's voters will split about 50-50 to the democratic & republican candidates in November. Even Colorado -- with it's mega churches -- went handily blue. I suspect this is courtesy of continued reverberation from Ted Haggard, who just got
Monday, February 4, 2008
Super Tuesday Predictions
The super bowl wasn't worth watching, but Super Tuesday is going to be interesting. Here's what will happen.
1) Barack takes California, Illinois, and perhaps the lead in super Tuesday. Hillary is too conservative for California. Don't think so? Ann Coulter will campaign for Hillary if McCain is elected, because he's "more liberal" than she is.
Hmmm. Perhaps this will increase the chance that she'll hook up with Henry Rollins.
2) Romney will pull even or ahead of McCain. McCain is probably the greatest challenger to the either Hillary or Barack, but how he's ahead of Romney is beyond me. McCain is missing two very, very important things if you're a Republican: the support of Rush Limbaugh, and the support of James Dobson. Meanwhile, most people sense that "Godstitution" Huckabee is going to drop out soon enough, and Romney's magic underwear definitely qualifies him as the wackier of the two, slurping up that 7% of America's creepiest.
McCain may have had the support from center-right Americans, but he made a big mistake about a 16 months ago. He was still opposing the Bush admin over torture, as a man who's been tortured himself. And then, he spent one weekend behind closed doors with W & Cheney, and out he came a believer in our torture policy & the Bush Admin. What really happened here, was that Bush pledged his support in '08 if John would just shut his f***ing mouth about Iraq & Guantanamo. Not long after that, GWB's support dropped below 30%, and McCain realized he got the short end of the stick. This is why he's looking waaaaay older than he actually is....he sold his soul to Cheney.
1) Barack takes California, Illinois, and perhaps the lead in super Tuesday. Hillary is too conservative for California. Don't think so? Ann Coulter will campaign for Hillary if McCain is elected, because he's "more liberal" than she is.
Hmmm. Perhaps this will increase the chance that she'll hook up with Henry Rollins.
2) Romney will pull even or ahead of McCain. McCain is probably the greatest challenger to the either Hillary or Barack, but how he's ahead of Romney is beyond me. McCain is missing two very, very important things if you're a Republican: the support of Rush Limbaugh, and the support of James Dobson. Meanwhile, most people sense that "Godstitution" Huckabee is going to drop out soon enough, and Romney's magic underwear definitely qualifies him as the wackier of the two, slurping up that 7% of America's creepiest.
McCain may have had the support from center-right Americans, but he made a big mistake about a 16 months ago. He was still opposing the Bush admin over torture, as a man who's been tortured himself. And then, he spent one weekend behind closed doors with W & Cheney, and out he came a believer in our torture policy & the Bush Admin. What really happened here, was that Bush pledged his support in '08 if John would just shut his f***ing mouth about Iraq & Guantanamo. Not long after that, GWB's support dropped below 30%, and McCain realized he got the short end of the stick. This is why he's looking waaaaay older than he actually is....he sold his soul to Cheney.
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