I am Scared.

I was brought to tears last weekend. (and really every time I think about this)

I was visiting my home and my Grandparents. My namesake grandfather was diagnosed with metastasized melanoma in February, and has 3 tumors.

He refused anti-cancer medication. At the time, he felt fine, he had a good quality of life, he enjoys eating, and medication would surely change that. He's 89, and for most people, I guess that's what most people would expect. He's had a very full life, has lived his life on his own accord, has 10 grandchildren.

What just tears me apart is that he and my grandmother (age 94) are otherwise very healthy, independant, and very in love with each other. They just became Great-Grandparents.

They are my heroes above all others.

I've felt for some time that I identify with my grandfather more than anyone in my entire family. I grew up a stone's throw away from his house, and he is just as much of a father to me as my own father is. I recall spending many nights with him getting help on my schoolwork when I was a child, and in doing so passed on to me a love for science and mathematics.

He also has held his core values dear. He was recruited to IBM in Chicago as a young engineer --he was truely one of the original whiz kids there-- but when they wanted him to learn how to play golf and dress up, he sold his tuxedo and returned to the farm. He never looked back after choosing freedom over fortune.

I've had deaths in my family, but this is different. Never has anyone been this close to me. Last week was the second time I saw tears come from my fathers eyes.

I am scared.