Zombie Apocalypse

So, after watching Shaun of the Dead and 28 days later, I 've been pondering how well I would fare should a Zombie Epidemic hit North America or the world.

I think I would do quite well in such an apocalyptic situation and here's a few bulletpoints supporting that claim.

-For one, I live on the third floor of a damn secure building. First thing--my door swings out. Zombies could push all day and it wouldn't open. On top of that, it would be easy to barricade the door, all I would have to do is fit the couch in the hallway. It took me at least 3 hours to get the damn thing through the door, and I doubt zombies can do complex geometry problems, even if they break the door. And, I can conveniently jump out the window onto the poolhouse, and get to my car, if I needed to get out.

-I have many household chemicals that could also double as molotov cocktails. I loathe cleaning, but I did minor in Chemistry.

-My car is very reliable(for the most part), has plenty of horsepower, is fairly fuel efficient, and is beefy enough to plow through crowds of zombies blocking the road. I'm pretty sure I would have no difficulties making it to an abandoned(yet not looted) gas station in rural North Dakota. And just for Pedro--with a little welding, I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could be mounted directly onto my hood.

-Should my car break down or run out of gas, my road bicycle(and I) has been able to reach speeds up to 33.9mph on flat ground, and well over 45 downhill. That should keep me out of harm's way as long as the zombies don't discover a meth lab.

-I own a knife big enough to give Crocadile Dundee a hardon. "Neh aet's uh nahf!"

-I have all kinds of things I could kill a zombie with. Not all weapons, per se, but I have the gift of improvisation. I could bash a zombie dead with my bike pump or something. I'm sure everyone would stop in comic relief to laugh at the sound my acoustic guitar would make when I windmill-smash it Rhett Miller-style over the head of the undead. Jennie would probably whip out her camera and take a video and Erin would totally freak out. Also, growing up on the farm has given me lots of hands-on experience with hammers, nailguns, chainsaws, bullwhips(castlevania!), Shit, I think we even had an old scythe laying around somewhere. And I don't think a branding iron or a cow prod has ever been used in a zombie movie before, but I bet that if we took a poll, 9 out of 10 survivors would agree that using branding irons & cow prods on zombies would all encompassingly rock.

-My physics professor taught me how to easily make a railgun.

-I've watched every episode of MacGyver. That has to count for something.

-I can run for 8+ miles without stopping. If you're getting short of breath just thinking about that, imagine how Joe Zombie might feel. Hey, he wants brains, but I'm going to imagine the low-lying fruit will be his first priority. And really; I don't need to run 8 miles anyway. I only need to run farther than you. If I get chased, I'm going to lead my pursuers to easier prey....like a White Castle, a Taco Bell, Mystic Lake(casinos are bastions for the fattest people on the planet), or a LAN party.

-Do zombies swim? Yeah, I didn't think so either--which can put me in great advantage in the land of 10,000 lakes. (had to work all 3 constituents of triathlon in there)

-I could live for months on a diet of water and CLIF bars. In fact, I kindof already do.

-I've been a great marksman since age 14. This would make me a great asset to the military, who will undoubtedly be running the show when all hell breaks loose from their comfy missle silos/bunkers in northwestern North Dakota.

Zombie Master. You scored 77% survivability and 62% kickass-ability!

You were born for z-day. Not only will you be killing zombies left and right, but you will be leading the other survivors. You will be the one making decisions and the person who is looked to for advice. Congratulations.

This test tracked 2 variables. How the score compared to the other people's:

	Higher than 76% on survivability
	Higher than 61% on kickass-ability

Link: The Non-lame Zombie Survival Test

You're doing a heckuva job, Rummy.

And Bushy starts by putting his lips square on the ass of the new liberal congress.........

"The timing is right for new leadership at the Pentagon"

"I share a large part of the responsibility for the outcome of the election"

"We can work together over the next two years"

"The message yesterday was clear: The American people want their leaders in Washington to.....conduct ourselves in an ethical manner"


This will really piss off the tough guy conservatives who were so happy with how tough he was. Especially those guys who always say "You know, if Al Gore was president right now, he would've pussed out to those terrorists, but not President Bush." Fuck You. You seem to forget that your texas cowboy president was a fucking cheerleader at a new england prep school. You're going to be begging Nancy Pelosi to impeach him.



We've got his ass in a vice, and he knows it. And only 1 day has passed. He's president until January 20, 2009. If he lasts that long, Bush will become synonymous with pussy. Oh, wait.......

And a few more things. If Bush thinks he can go back to his usual shenanigans, 3 things will happen.

1) His hair will probably go greyer (if that's possible) and fall out.
2) His wrinkles will get deeper
3) His thumb will get very sore from pushing the veto button.

I don't fit in very well in Miami.

I don't fit in very well in Miami.

-Don Shula is not a personal hero.
-I don't drive casually at speeds more easily measured in Mach than MPH.
-My skin does not make me look like a beige alligator.
-I don't cringe at the idea of *gasp* 40 degree Fahrenheit weather.
-I run.
-Shiny wheels are not on the top of my budget priority list.
-I generally arrive at work long before 9am.
-My colloquial spanish sucks. Mi espanol chupa culo.
-I ride a bike that doesn't have a coaster brake.
-I do not have greater than 50% of my car covered in chrome.
-I have no inclination to paint my house or place of business in pastel.
-Cuban food and my stomach get along like George W. Bush and Kim Jong Il.
-I like going to rock shows.
-I bead up with sweat when the weather is "nice".

There are 2 things that I really enjoy about Miami, however.

+Cuban Coffee leaves normal coffee in the dust.
+I am perpetually smitten over women with Cuban accents.

TSA

TSA employees are fucking morons.

I suppose it's easy to understand how these nimrods are standing where they are -- after 9/11, airports scrambled to get people to provide added security.

And guess who they got? America's finest unskilled, unemployed, poorly educated bottom feeders.

What kind of payscale do you expect to give a guy that's sole purpose is to look at your ID and match it to your boarding pass? What kind of person is attracted by a $9.00/hour job?

The kind of guy that jokes that TSA means "take stuff away", and makes anecdotes about how he can't believe the government actually pays him to tell people that they can't bring liquids or gels onto a plane. "3 ounces or less!"

If you really think so, then perhaps you should be telling your boss that your job is futile and that we shouldn't be wasting tax dollars like this. Perhaps you could make yourself useful and speed up that fucking metal detector line.

And guess what happens in the case that I give these knuckle draggers any lip? (Which they deserve) I get "transferred" to a different caste of security employee -- only this one wears camoflage and inspects your nose with the barrel of a submachine gun.

Anyone want to explain to me why he needs jungle camo in an airport?

This guy has been trained to shoot people. He's probably spend the last 3 years learning to stop thinking and take orders, and think faster than the hypothetical man trying to shoot him first from a leathernecked R. Lee Ermy-type shithead with a loud voice and a propensity to punch you in the gut and call you "Private Lizard Shit." What better job for this guy than walking around civilian crowds with a cannon that can spit out 35 9mm full metal jackets in 10 seconds?

Guess what happens when you give idiots authority? It's a perfect recipe for nincompoopery.

This type of power is perfect to people on the lowest echelon of the socio-economic foodchain. Of course, these people are dripping with insecurity--sometimes it's the fact that they're a recent immigrant, or poor, or ugly, or have a small dick, or obese, or most obviously, stupid.

MIA

So I really haven't blogged this summer at all. I've been pretty busy. I haven't stopped writing, but here's a list of highlights from the last 5 months:

+Fargo 1/2 Marathon
+Memorial day on Lake Calhoun AND Lake Minnetonka
+Indoor Triathlon (2nd place overall)
+Beerfest on Hennepin Avenue, followed by a stay-up-till-you-pass-out post-party.
+Liberty Triathlon
+Kayaking with Jen, got a total farmer's tan
+saw Chuck Klosterman
+Rode my bike 60 miles to watch a professional bike race
+Hiked 29 miles on the Superior Hiking Trail
+Impromptu salsa dancing with Jen at La Bodega.
+Went roadbiking in my wickedly hilly hometown
+Birthday Celebration at Red Dragon
+Lifetime Fitness Triathlon. averaged 22.6mph on my bike.
+saw Muse (!!!!!!!!!)
+saw Jolie Holland
+saw The Raconteurs
+attended a relative's 100th Birthday party
+Went mountain biking for the 1st time at Theo Wirth. On a $5000 bike. We had to fix a wheel.
+St. Paul Tri. (1:20/100m on the swim)
+Mountain Biking on the river flats. had to fix a wheel.
+Rode my bicycle south from Prescott, WI. Somewhere on the 45 mile ride, I hit 49.6mph.
+Read Chuck Palahnuik's "Choke"
+Spent 4 days camping & canoeing in the Boundary Waters.
+Got dressed in a tuxedo and watched my sister get married.
+Mountain biked the Maah Daah Hey in the Badlands of North Dakota. (saw 0 Bison, rattlesnakes, or cougars; somehow)
+Lake Minnetonka Triathlon. (7:39min/mile run)
+Mountain biked Murphy-Hanrehan. had to fix a wheel.
+Rollerbladed around calhoun 3 times & harriet once in 1 hour, 3 minutes.

Just try and tell me you had a better summer.

What I've been doing lately.

Dang it's been a long time since I've posted here! Well, I've been very busy. I just finished another race on Sunday, so I'm taking things easy for a couple days...maybe I'll post a few other blogs in the works.

The st. paul tri was at Lake Phalen, I competed in the international distance. Setting up in the transition, there was little organization--bikes were placed just wherever, and there was little room between some of the racks. I made the mistake of clipping my bike shoes onto my bike--I'll get to that in a minute.

There was a rectangle of buoys in the lake, and our we started in-water at about waist deep. I started the race in wave 3 as a clydesdale: behind all the international competitors. There was lots of lakeweed in the beginning, but I think it was chopped up fairly well by the previous waves. I had to do 2 laps around the buoys.

I eased into an easy pace, and felt good. I was wearing my Gear West singlet for the first time, and it felt pretty decent. I was happy to know that I wouldn't have to put it on at T1. About 1/4 into the race, my heart rate monitor strap slid down my chest and onto my waist. After a few failed attempts with one arm to pull it back up(with the other arm still stroking), I pulled it up and tightened it while doing breaststroke kicks on my back. Back to swimming, and onto the second lap. I was able to hold my pace, and even speed up. I had been recently working on my sighting abilities, and it was paying off. I was doing much less zigzagging, more straight swimming. I pushed hard after rounding the last buoy, kicking to get blood in my legs as I started to see the bottom of the lake, and swam until it was too shallow to swim.

I had a nice run into T1, and even passed some people on the way to my bike. Unfortunately, my feet were covered in sand. There was no water to step in after the sand on the beach, or even grass to run on for that matter--just straight to pavement. I spent an easy 30 seconds trying to de-sand my feet. Oh yeah--and the rocks. The parking lot wasn't swept, so my bare feet got even dirtier running in the parking lot. I didn't want to run out of transistion barefoot and try slipping dirty feet into my bikeshoes, so I unclipped my bike shoes, put on the shoes, and ran with my bike out of transition.

I hopped on my bike, clipped in, and took two pedal revolutions to find out my back tire was dead flat. I'd pumped it up really good that morning, but I was a bit suspect of the valvestem & I was right. I pulled my bike off the road and was getting ready to take my aerobar waterbottle off so I could lay my bike to change the tire. A guy ran over and told me he was a bike mechanic and said he could change it. I ran over to the county cycle tent and snagged a new tube, and ran back. He already had the tube off the bike and quickly slapped the new one on. He had everything ready to go really fast--It took about 4-6 min to get it all ready to go, and then I had my C02 cartridge inflater, which I used. It worked great, and I rode off.

I got going, and my legs had tightened up while I was changing my tire. I also noticied that in the change, my speedometer was not working. I still had my cadence readout, but I wanted to have a more accurate feel as to how hard I should be exerting. That in addition to the flat & my sore legs brought me down mentally, but I did not give up--I started to hydrate, the pain in my legs eased, and I pushed hard.

In the end, paying more attention to my bodily exertion and pedal cadence might've helped out more than not having a speed readout -- during the entire bike leg, nobody passed me. (except, of course, when I was fixing my tire) I also raced well from a technical standpoint. The one big hill on the course--a switchbacked half mile at 5.0% grade was of little challenge to me as it has been in the past on the way up, and I smoked on the way down--all the way without touching my brakes--something I've never been able to get myself to do in the past on that hill. I felt pretty satisfied with my bike overall. My average speed was 20.2mph including stopping for the flat.

My T2 was ok. Except for having to dodge the sprint distance finishers who were just hanging out, walking around in the already narrow paths between the bike racks. You know who you are; next time I'm going to give you a stiff arm.

The run felt good--better than usual at the beginning considering the transition--and I was able to feel comfortable at a decent pace. I ended up with a decent time --49 min 11 sec -- about par with my liberty tri run(which has become my gold standard for a "good race"), but not nearly as hilly. Not bad considering I was running on a gimp knee that I smashed on a tree earlier in the week while mountain biking.

I was looking at my watch frequently to determine how fast I needed to run to beat my PR, and to gage my running pace. As I rounded the south end of the lake for the second time, I started to increase my pace with the finish line in view. I don't remember the last few yards & crossing. I just remember them taking the band off my ankle, and telling me that I had to walk from the finish line to the shed 100 yards away to get water.

Why I liked the race:
+The challenging switchback hill on the bike course.
+The nice run around Phalen
+Cheerful, encouraging volunteers! (I think that's because most of them were triathletes)

Why I didn't like the race:
-bumpy bike course
-unswept transition area
-chaotic transition area
-unmowed weeds in the lake
-my registration was screwed up. I was placed in Age group Sprint instead of Clydesdale International despite me emailing the race director earlier in the week AND requesting the change at packet pickup. Therefore, I officially had the slowest sprint distance finish time. (but not the slowest sprint swim & bike splits. ha ha!)
-no water at the finish line. WTF?

The Numbers:
----------------------
Overall 19/57
Men 17/37
Age Group 5/7
Clydesdale 1/1
10th fastest swim split overall.

Tri, Tri Again.

This was my second year competing in the lifetime triathlon. It was HOT out--82F water and 98F air. Hot enough for them to shorten the bike leg and cut the run in half. I was disappointed when I heard it was shortened, but not when I got to the run.

I had a par time in my swim, but it could've easily been much faster. I have a difficult time swimming in a straight line, and it doesn't help that the water is so murky that you can't see past your elbows in front of you. Also, since there wasn't a mass start, I wasn't able to get up in front of the slow people, and I wasn't able to find any fast people to draft on until near the end.

In transition 1 to the bike, my new singlet bunched up. dammit. I'm swimming with it on next time--problem solved.

I had a way fast bike leg. I was cranking hard, holding a strong pace, and the heat wasn't getting to me. In the last quarter of the race when the course started to head uphill, I started passing lots of people. Especially those fuckers with $4000 bikes mounted on zipps. On the way back to nokomis, I crouched way down on the downhills, cranking my bike over 30 mph.

On transition 2 to the run, when I jumped off my bike, a guy swung his cleated foot out front of me and hit me in the leg.....or maybe I hit him. Whatever.

I had a difficult time getting into a good running pace, but it could be from the heat, or the fact that the run was too short to build into a good pace, or the fact that I was smoking on the bike. There's an exposed out&back on the cedar ave bridge over nokomis that was really challenging--just you and the sun. They had a couple firetrucks blasting water on all the runners, kids had buckets of water, etc. Strangely enough, I had lots of energy in the last half mile......it might've been just the energy of being about to finish.

I think that I'm not going to do the lifetime triathlon again next year. My second year completing the race (2005 sprint distance, 2006 shortened olympic distance), I've become a bit annoyed with the race. I was attracted to do the lifetime as my first triathlon, and I am one of many. The ratio of first time racers at the lifetime is huge; there's more marketing for this race than most ironman races. Therefore, the swim--even the olympic distance--was chock full of beginners in survival mode zigzagging around, doing breaststroke, and cavalcades of slow swimmers in wolfpacks that I had to go around or through. I was quite frustrated.

It doesn't help that they had the men's 25-29 age group swim immediately after the women's 40-44 group. WTF kind of planning is that?

My next problem was the same people on bikes. 95f triathlons do not allow drafting or blocking, but there were tons of people doing it. Even yelling "on your left" to the goofballs riding on abreast ahead usually yielded little result if any. Also there was many people on the bike course, and that obviously created lots of bunching up around tight turns......the same tight turns I'd been practicing to hold at high speeds. So I got held up many times there.

Lifetime was concerned about the safety of the race, and that was good--they cut half of the run out. (which actually swayed the race heavily in my favor, since I'm a crappy runner) But why also clip 3 miles from the bike? It's 25 miles; what the heck is 3 miles? Either clip it substantially, or don't clip it at all.


Anyways, here's the breakdown.

Swim (1.5k/0.9 miles): 25:45.98
T1 (swim to bike): 2:35.94
Bike(shortened to ~22 Miles): 59:14.99
Bike Pace: 22.6mph
T2(bike to run): 1:52.01
Run(5k/3.1 miles): 25:31
Run Pace: 8:30/mile
Total Time: 1:54:59.93

Official Results:

overall 64/1040
age group 6/82

Oh yeah.....If I would've registered as a Clydesdale, the 200lb category, I would've taken first.

Moral of the story here---don't plan to lose weight.


Sidenote: Emma Snowsill, the women's pro winner who, after pocketing $80,000, immediately got on Lifetime's private jet and flew to New York City to compete in the NYC Triathlon the next day. She won.