Best Daily Show clip EVAR

An open letter to all angry Hillary supporters.

FYI.

John McCain called his wife a CUNT in public.

good luck with progressing that whole "woman in the presidency" dream you have. For now, you're going to have to go with someone who won't destroy your rights.

That is, if you Hillary -> McCain turncoats even exist. Personally, I think you're just republicans trying to act like democrats. Hey, Ann Coulter said it herself -- Hillary is more conservative than McCain.

Samsonite!? I was way off!!

So my Super Tuesday predictions weren't quite on. Here are some revelations:

1) Hillary took California 52%-42%, much to my surprise. One thing I forgot to consider was that many Californians had mailed in their votes weeks ahead--including many people who voted for John Edwards--4% worth. I can't think of anyone who would walk from the Edwards camp to the Hillary camp with the option of Obama.

2) Barack is trailing, but not by much. He took Minnesota, North Dakota, and....my precinct. He beat Hillary 204-57. As of this moment, Hillary leads 823-741 delegates--- marginally thin when you think about it.

3) John McCain pulled ahead!!!!! WTF?!?!?! This is crazy!!! Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, James Dobson, Bill Oh'Really?, (m)Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck -- the cornerstone of the Republican base -- has been deriding McCain all week, and he pulls ahead. Seriously, the core is trying HARD. This leads me to believe that Republicans ***drumroll*** are paying less and less attention to them. I'm not a religious man, but the idea of Rush & Bill Oh'Really? getting layed off and having to resort to living on welfare makes me feel happy.

4) America's knuckle dragging YECs stood with their man, Huckabee. (who looks like Kevin Spacey with a meth problem, no?) I made a fatal mistake here. I underestimated the power of....Chuck Norris. (Chuckabee?) Or God. Oh, wait. Huckabee is a far 3rd place. NEWS FLASH! God is trying to tell you something, Mike. Don't get it? Look down. There's a fork sticking out of you.

sidebar: Shit. Someone's already beat me to my next logical blog....Mike Huckabee & Chuck Norris Facts.

Fact: Chuck Norris is so corny that ethanol producers believe him to be a vast, untapped source of alternative energy.

5) A dickless shell of a man wrapped in a BOSS suit, Mitt Romney took $35,000,000 from his bank account, and set it on fire. When I see that guy, I think two things:

a) Giant Douche
b) "A fool and his money will soon be parted"

6) Perhaps I'm taking the horse before the cart, but the numbers of people caucusing are staggering--particularly in the bible belt. Georgia, Arkansas, and Missouri all went to George Bush in 2004. On Tuesday, the numbers voting for Barack and Hillary handily outnumbered those voting for the GOP's top 3 in these states. I suspect Ron Paul's voters will split about 50-50 to the democratic & republican candidates in November. Even Colorado -- with it's mega churches -- went handily blue. I suspect this is courtesy of continued reverberation from Ted Haggard, who just got ejaculated ejected from "restoration therapy."

Super Tuesday Predictions

The super bowl wasn't worth watching, but Super Tuesday is going to be interesting. Here's what will happen.

1) Barack takes California, Illinois, and perhaps the lead in super Tuesday. Hillary is too conservative for California. Don't think so? Ann Coulter will campaign for Hillary if McCain is elected, because he's "more liberal" than she is.

Hmmm. Perhaps this will increase the chance that she'll hook up with Henry Rollins.


2) Romney will pull even or ahead of McCain. McCain is probably the greatest challenger to the either Hillary or Barack, but how he's ahead of Romney is beyond me. McCain is missing two very, very important things if you're a Republican: the support of Rush Limbaugh, and the support of James Dobson. Meanwhile, most people sense that "Godstitution" Huckabee is going to drop out soon enough, and Romney's magic underwear definitely qualifies him as the wackier of the two, slurping up that 7% of America's creepiest.

McCain may have had the support from center-right Americans, but he made a big mistake about a 16 months ago. He was still opposing the Bush admin over torture, as a man who's been tortured himself. And then, he spent one weekend behind closed doors with W & Cheney, and out he came a believer in our torture policy & the Bush Admin. What really happened here, was that Bush pledged his support in '08 if John would just shut his f***ing mouth about Iraq & Guantanamo. Not long after that, GWB's support dropped below 30%, and McCain realized he got the short end of the stick. This is why he's looking waaaaay older than he actually is....he sold his soul to Cheney.

Some political thoughts.

1) John Edwards is my #1 candidate. That guy has the best demeanor of all Democratic candidates. That guy wakes up in the morning, and thinks about changing the world while he's putting his socks on. If you think he's a pussy, you should look at his professional record as an attorney. He's reduced teams of corporate attorneys who outmatched his salary manyfold into schoolgirls.

2) I'm very concerned about conglomeration of corporate America--especially the media, and John is the only frontrunner who will actually enforce monopoly laws in this country. Hillary and Barack have way too many ties to the big business monopolies that Edwards will actually be working to crack.

3) The only thing that republicans have on John Edwards is his $400 haircut. This, incidentally, pays for a one week supply of Mitt Romney's head grease.

4) That being said, I will fully support whichever Democrat is nominated.

5) Anyone who thinks Barack is unelectable should read about his success among whites in South Carolina. Keep in mind that there were more primary votes for Barack alone than McCain AND Huckabee, the top 2 Republican finishers. It's looking like SC will go democratic in November even if Barack is the dem nominee, a huge slap in the face to KKK/Larry the cable guy america.

6) The Republicans know that Barack is the strongest overall Democratic challenger, and this explains all the smear emails going around about him being a muslim. THIS IS PRECISELY WHY BARACK SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST OR SECOND DEMOCRATIC CHOICE.

7) Rudy is toast -- he's out of money and we haven't even come across a state where he's finished better than forth. I'd like to see him hold on. He's probably taking votes from McCain, and empty suit Romney & nutjob Huckabee will be easier fodder for the Barack machine to crush.

8) John McCain appears to have aged a decade in the last year. He's gone bad faster than arugula in my fridge. If you think that he won't last 2 terms, you're wrong. THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S ACTUALLY A ZOMBIE.

9) If a Republican is elected, take your ridiculous economic stimulus checks and turn them into Gold or Euros. The dollar will continue to plunge. Romney, McCain, and Huckabee have all pledged to stay in Iraq--we've been borrowing $275,000,000/day for that war, and don't forget that they will keep cutting taxes. US Dollars will have no international value in their hands.

Hillary

I'm not really a Hillary fan--I'm pretty much hoping for some combination of an Obama/Edwards ticket, but I had an interesting 3:30am, red bull & vodka infused conversation with a guy at a party the other day. It did stay friendly, but it was definitely dynamic.

I've heard this before on the internets, but I've never met a real live person who believed this. He told me "that the only reason Hillary didn't divorce Bill is for her future (presidential) political ambitions. "

So lemme get this straight.....

The expectation of a Christian conservative would be for a faltering marriage to immediately dissolve? That seems wildly counterintuitive. I thought the foundation of Christianity was built on forgiveness, and that the "for better & for worse" part of the vows meant something.

I also seem to remember that Bill (Clinton) went to church frequently, AND in one instance I remember, he was videotaped on the front steps of his church while being jeered by some (conservative, I assume) holier than thou. Apparently "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" is not part of the lords prayer where he comes from.

And what is even more profound is the bile at which they spew this nonsense.

a)It sounds like to me that they are miffed that they can't monopolize fidelity & morals. The very idea that a liberal could hold a marriage together is horrifying to a conservative, a pure case of cognitive dissonance, so they make up ulterior motives for such "Strange" behavior. Stange behavior indeed, because this cheating & divorce happens to liberals. Conservatives NEVER get divorced, NEVER cheat on their spouses with hookers, and NEVER try to have sex with teenage boys.

I know that infidelity is prolific in the human condition. I can accept why it happens. I can't accept it to happen to me. Why "the sanctity of marriage is even something worth talking is about is only because conservatives keep blabbering about it. Real special those conservatives. So novel that they wouldn't want to be cheated on and lose their spouses.

b)It also sounds to me like a deep loathing for your(political) enemies, which is not what Christ tells us to do. He tells us to love our enemies, correct? So shouldn't good Christians be happy that Bill & Hillary saved their marriage? No. They were hoping that they would crash & burn in similar fashion to my secret desires for Britney. Except mine came true.

I tell you what conservatives. Do me a favor. If you REALLY want to protect marriage, put forth a bill in congress to make divorce in 99.99% of all cases illegal, with mandatory prison sentences. Have Mike Huckabee run on it. I'll sign it--just to see what ensues. Is it that a ridiculous idea? You shouldn't think so--God ordained, approved, and perhaps planned your marriage on your wedding day in his church. Why should it be legal to undo God's works? To interrupt his plan? How do you know the point of your life is not God's way to show other people not to rush into marriage? Show me how committed you are to him.

And the next part: How exactly does divorcing Bill destroy her ability to run for president? HMMMM?

If she divorced him, she could take all his money (which I'm sure you'd just loooove) and be labeled an even BIGGER ballbuster than the conservatives give her credit for. But she's not a ballbuster. She's a loving wife with a family,(and a spine) and conservatives can't attack a loving wife. So they brand her as a ballbusting dominatrix. That way, she's much easier to attack. Ironically, they're trying to make her into a liberal version of Ann Coulter, every republican man's daily infidelity against his wife.

In the end,
a) it's all sour grapes that you didn't get your way, and have an easier method to attack her.
b) you know that given the same situation, YOU wouldn't have a big enough heart to forgive your spouse. You'd divorce them. Hey--I might too. But there's no chance that you'll give her credit.

As Stephen Colbert put it......"the truth has a liberal bias."

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Later on, I added fuel to the fire by having the guy read Luke 17:20-21.

God repayed me by making me puke my guts out about an hour later.